Yeah I am inside that for time being, or since the new year began.. :-S
The fog I am struggling to get out of again. The one that avoids me from seeing clear, living life, and just be here right now..
The thoughts are just buzzing to avoid me from thinking of the abuse or the jerk who caused me to sit like I do now.. The problem is the triggers that lays around every corner, not just in the room I am in, out on the streets, in the faces of people I don’t even know and meet on the street. Pictures of people that looks like him and yes I am on strike reading the news, even the local newspaper HAS to put picture of the person that impacted the whole nation. He looks a LITTLE too much alike my abuser as he was younger.. Is it possible for any media to use another picture of this man? Like his back head, Utøya or the blown apart government district? We understand who did this, so we don’t have to see his face all the time? … You have at least achieved I am not following what is going on in this world anymore. So if the world falls apart I won’t know, because I have to make a choice in protecting myself from some traumas in the daily life.. But I won’t think I am alone in the reactions to the pictures of the face of Norway’s most hated man.
… Back to the trauma fog. I mostly sit and play FarmTown.. Inbetween I try knit, cook food, meet friends, listen to music and clean. My studies had to take a break, because nothing want to stick in my mind when I read. I just read through the words as a written text without meaning. I have learned how to set up an budget, but what is accounting? … I am actually almost finished reading that chapter, but I think I have to read that again to understand the details :-S Was there something about debit and credit and one of them is plus and the other minus? And there should be a balance? … Hmm… The exam scheduled in may I just have to look looong after now, and what happens to the trauma treatment I still don’t know yet.
The trauma fog is a result of me opening up all the worst traumas in the new years and it has set me all aside and numbed my life completely. My psychiatrist thinks I should take a break from working with them? Have I got time to do that? With a boy over the sea screaming his heart out “I want my mommy” 😦 I want to work with them, and yes it hurts, but I won’t progress in life without going through this shit now once and for all. One year or 10 years are better than going in and out of this for the rest of my life..
This fog also includes all the traumas I live through every day one way or another. The pain that comes and goes.. As he is doing it there and then all over again. It was me who just laied there, this way I got less pain from what he was doing to me. I ran away in my thoughts to “My little land”. That is my secret and it stays that way. What I was thinking of to survive is my survival and no one else’s, and there is only me that goes there. I still travel there, but only in extreme situations when I need to.
This fog also brings me into the world where I think alot about the person I wished had cared more than she did.. Also the person that told me he wanted to grow old with me 12 years ago.. He is still there, and how to make him go away I don’t know, since he is in my space (not here, but in my space mind), but not in my real life. That messes up my mind when I have more than enough trying being free from the abuse. Trying my best to free my mind.
I don’t like this fog, but it is better than me falling apart and not able to take care of myself alltogether. As I do get up in the mornings, eat breakfast, cook and clean and wash my clothes etc. It is the part of having a life where I do something constructive, the part where I study so I can get a normal life of work like everyone else does, and being a propper mother for my son. This fog I am in also affects him wen we speak on the phone as mommy isn’t always “present” with him..
Just hope this fog will disapear again, sooner than later…