My name day & birthday…

Yesterday I celebrated my name day Jane Helen and late 42nd birthday 😀

I went to cinema and watched Top Gun Maverick. Awesome movie! And ate dinner at Burger King. I just relaxed at home rest of the day. I was alone all day 🙂 Will go out for dinner with my best friend and her family today 🙂

Thank you so much for all the love and care I got for my day ❤ I appreciate you ❤

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Life

Life isn’t perfect, just as good as it gets 🥰 

Enjoy it while you can 🥰 ❤️

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New memories from from my childhood…

Lately I have had a couple episodes of new memories from my childhood. More like survivor skills.

I remember going a lot outdoors to escape the abuse. I walked to a spot in the hills near the farm. Sometimes I picked flowers and sometimes I just sat and embraced the scenery of the beautiful nature. In the autumn I picked wild berries and enjoyed eating. I enjoyed walking watching the stars in the autumn, winter and spring months. In the summer the stars are gone from the sky here.

I also remember me finding spots to sleep outdoors. Even in the winter time I did do that. Put on a snowsuit and made a bed with walls so the cold wind wouldn’t get to me. I remember waking up freezing and went back into bed.. In the summertime it was easier, I even found spots to sleep in daytime outdoors. Just waking up with lot of bug bites..

I also spent a lot of time in the barn when my parents were there in the evenings. Jumped in the hay, slept there too. Watched the mice run around and the cat catching some of them. I remember catching a mouse in a bucket and saw it run around in circles, lol. I let it loose again. I remember playing with the crane where my father used to bring brown grass to the cattle. One time he shut off the power off it and the lights and I was high in the air.. I got down under it and let go maybe 3-4 meters down to the bottom of the silo. I found the ladder and got out and found my way out in the dark.

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My MS Symptoms…

The things you can not see:

– dizziness

– pain in my left hand

– struggle with concentration

– struggle keeping up with conversations when people talk

– numbness

The things you can see:

– unsteady balance sometimes

– wet my pants sometimes, also through my jeans

– loosing grips of things mostly left hand

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Breaking Loose

I still struggle with CPTSD symptoms.. Yesterday I had one of those days again…

Found an old poem I wrote to sum it up

Breaking Loose

What you did to me

can not be undone.

How you made me feel

can not be unfelt.

The pain you left

can not be healed.

Breaking loose

is so damn hard.

22.10.2008

Jane Helen Tommervag

Just so it is said these struggles are because of my abuser…

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My nervous system…

So I had a short visit to the hospital this week. I got a terrible head ache Monday evening. I took a painkiller and slept through the night. I experienced numbness in my right hand and some of my face. I thought it was my MS playing up so contacted MS nurse who consulted the Neurologist and he didn’t have time to see me. I was to contact my general doctor and he was away on holiday and the doctor taking his patient didn’t have time to see me until Wednesday.. I talked with my best friend and her sister is a doctor and they came over in the evening and got me admitted to hospital. They ran CT scan to rule out bleeding because of the head ache. The neurologist thought it was an MS attack and wanted me on steroids, but the neurologist that she consulted with wanted an MRI scan to see if it really was a MS attack. The scan was fine and ruled out any MS attack or serious illness. They said it was a mystery and dismissed me from Hospital and said it should pass. Head ache is not a normal MS symptom either, but numbness is.. I just hope this numbness disappears and head ache too.

I been home since Wednesday evening and taking painkillers. The pain has also occurred in my teeth, like all was hurting at once.. I might see a dentist next week to rule out anything wrong there since they found nothing on my brain.

It might be my nervous system in overload because om my constant pain in my left hand. It still feel numbness like stuck in a doorway and someone try shut the door on me.

Happy Easter everyone ❤

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Not interested…

I have stated I am single but I am not interested in anyone. You lot can stop fantasize in your minds about me too. A complete waste of your times…

I am still in love with an American citizen man and have been since at least mid 90 ties… We are free to love whoever we want. Spend your times wisely.

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World Peace

It been a while since I last wrote here again. I feel I have to raise my voice to what is happening in Ukraine and the Russian border.

Haven’t we learned from the past that war only causes destruction to our planet and innocent lives get harmed? I kindly ask Mr. Vladimir Putin to retreat from the Ukraine border and stop wasting time and effort on keeping his troops there. For the best interest of mankind. Learn from the past, war is not a solution.

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CPTSD and Flashbacks

Last night I had flashbacks from two incidents.

The first one was from when I got a several hundred kilo cow on top of me. I was in the barn with my father. He had gone to get some more hay for the cows and bulls. I was doing the milking with machines. One of the cows had kicked the machine off and I tried to pick it up next thig knowing I was lying underneath her and by chock she lay down too and squeezed me. I couldn’t breath, I tried to scream but get my fathers attention but he was upstairs and it was too much noise to hear anything. Anyway I don’t think I managed to make any noise because I couldn’t breath. Suddenly I saw the neighbor cows foot above my head I thought she was going to kick my head. My life passed in fast moving pictures in my mind. I thought I was dying. Next I remember was the cow stand back up. My body made a bow like my feet and head to the ground the other part up from the ground and millions of needles in my body. I felt so thirsty and crawled to the cows water bowl and drank water from there it was yucky but I got water. I had problems standing up alright. I felt so beat up. I managed to walk to behind the cows and my father came down. Noticed I was all dirty. Told him I fell. Couldn’t explain about the cow on top of me… One traumatic event in my life.

The second was flashbacks from several sexual assaults the abuser did to me. From when he tied me up and gagged me with his stinking sock.. I passed out sometimes. I came to myself untied and thirsty.. Sore in my private area after he had raped me. I don’t know what he had used either his penis or things.. Sometimes I was bleeding too and I wasn’t having my period. I hate having flashbacks and memories these things.

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Better days coming…

I can say I am fully vaccinated now 🙂 Been for three weeks. I had no side effects, only a little sore for a couple of days on the spot.

The pandemic is still going on, but slowly we are going to get back to some sort of life we had before it came around and turned our world into craziness. I still wear my face mask in shops and public transportation and will keep doing that until we get to a state with no new cases in my city.

I strongly recommend my readers to get vaccinated not just for yourself but for all of us. We don’t want to loose anyone. There are very few deaths because of the vaccines compared of those who got the virus. Life is a risk itself so choose wisely.

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