I still struggle with CPTSD symptoms.. Yesterday I had one of those days again…
Found an old poem I wrote to sum it up
Breaking Loose
What you did to me
can not be undone.
How you made me feel
can not be unfelt.
The pain you left
can not be healed.
Breaking loose
is so damn hard.
22.10.2008
Jane Helen Tommervag
Just so it is said these struggles are because of my abuser…
So I had a short visit to the hospital this week. I got a terrible head ache Monday evening. I took a painkiller and slept through the night. I experienced numbness in my right hand and some of my face. I thought it was my MS playing up so contacted MS nurse who consulted the Neurologist and he didn’t have time to see me. I was to contact my general doctor and he was away on holiday and the doctor taking his patient didn’t have time to see me until Wednesday.. I talked with my best friend and her sister is a doctor and they came over in the evening and got me admitted to hospital. They ran CT scan to rule out bleeding because of the head ache. The neurologist thought it was an MS attack and wanted me on steroids, but the neurologist that she consulted with wanted an MRI scan to see if it really was a MS attack. The scan was fine and ruled out any MS attack or serious illness. They said it was a mystery and dismissed me from Hospital and said it should pass. Head ache is not a normal MS symptom either, but numbness is.. I just hope this numbness disappears and head ache too.
I been home since Wednesday evening and taking painkillers. The pain has also occurred in my teeth, like all was hurting at once.. I might see a dentist next week to rule out anything wrong there since they found nothing on my brain.
It might be my nervous system in overload because om my constant pain in my left hand. It still feel numbness like stuck in a doorway and someone try shut the door on me.
Happy Easter everyone ❤
I have stated I am single but I am not interested in anyone. You lot can stop fantasize in your minds about me too. A complete waste of your times…
I am still in love with an American citizen man and have been since at least mid 90 ties… We are free to love whoever we want. Spend your times wisely.
It been a while since I last wrote here again. I feel I have to raise my voice to what is happening in Ukraine and the Russian border.
Haven’t we learned from the past that war only causes destruction to our planet and innocent lives get harmed? I kindly ask Mr. Vladimir Putin to retreat from the Ukraine border and stop wasting time and effort on keeping his troops there. For the best interest of mankind. Learn from the past, war is not a solution.
Last night I had flashbacks from two incidents.
The first one was from when I got a several hundred kilo cow on top of me. I was in the barn with my father. He had gone to get some more hay for the cows and bulls. I was doing the milking with machines. One of the cows had kicked the machine off and I tried to pick it up next thig knowing I was lying underneath her and by chock she lay down too and squeezed me. I couldn’t breath, I tried to scream but get my fathers attention but he was upstairs and it was too much noise to hear anything. Anyway I don’t think I managed to make any noise because I couldn’t breath. Suddenly I saw the neighbor cows foot above my head I thought she was going to kick my head. My life passed in fast moving pictures in my mind. I thought I was dying. Next I remember was the cow stand back up. My body made a bow like my feet and head to the ground the other part up from the ground and millions of needles in my body. I felt so thirsty and crawled to the cows water bowl and drank water from there it was yucky but I got water. I had problems standing up alright. I felt so beat up. I managed to walk to behind the cows and my father came down. Noticed I was all dirty. Told him I fell. Couldn’t explain about the cow on top of me… One traumatic event in my life.
The second was flashbacks from several sexual assaults the abuser did to me. From when he tied me up and gagged me with his stinking sock.. I passed out sometimes. I came to myself untied and thirsty.. Sore in my private area after he had raped me. I don’t know what he had used either his penis or things.. Sometimes I was bleeding too and I wasn’t having my period. I hate having flashbacks and memories these things.
I can say I am fully vaccinated now 🙂 Been for three weeks. I had no side effects, only a little sore for a couple of days on the spot.
The pandemic is still going on, but slowly we are going to get back to some sort of life we had before it came around and turned our world into craziness. I still wear my face mask in shops and public transportation and will keep doing that until we get to a state with no new cases in my city.
I strongly recommend my readers to get vaccinated not just for yourself but for all of us. We don’t want to loose anyone. There are very few deaths because of the vaccines compared of those who got the virus. Life is a risk itself so choose wisely.
Time is the most precious thing we got so spend it wisely 
Jeg ble kjempeglad for at justisminister Monica Mæland har tatt tak i saken at voldsutøvere og overgripere skal få evig kontaktforbud. Jeg ønsker at flere politikere tar tak i saken og snakker om det og får det vedtatt raskest mulig. Flere tror jo at besøskforbud er evig allerede, men det er det ikke. Forskjellen på kontaktforbud og besøksforbud er: Kontaktforbud er noe retten ilegger en og varer inntil 5 år. Besøksforbud blir utstedt av politiet og varer opptil ett år av gangen. Begge kan man søke om forlengelse.
Kan lese mer om saken her: https://www.vg.no/nyheter/innenriks/i/R97Jn8/maeland-vil-gi-voldsdoemte-evig-kontaktforbud
Hvorfor skal en voldsutøver eller overgriper ha en rett å ta kontakt eller oppsøke en igjen?
It’s winter and I am still up for a walk every day. Making sure I take at least 10000 step each day. It’s been freezing cold down to minus 14 Celsius or 7 Farenheit. I am wearing a cap instead of my cowgirl hat to cover my ears in the cold.
I am going to update you on my diagnosis. I was on meds for paranoid psychosis but I decided to stop taking them in December. Not a smart move hearing voices came back so I started back on the meds a week later again. Got to know how well medicine works. No voices anymore, only my foolish brain thinking too much.
I still struggle with dizziness when out walking. Feels like being out at sea all the time. Sometimes I am dizzy even sitting still and laying down in bed. I wish it could be something that can be treated.
Stable 10000 steps a day 🙂
Today I have spent a whole day on ME. Staying away from social media and not reading news. Not interact with any people. Just thought about myself. It’s peaceful and well needed time. Everyone should try that. I do this every year on 16th January. For you who know me well it is my birthday, but I don’t celebrate it until June 21st along with my name day for Jane Helen. What I been doing today is my secret and not for everyone to know.
Space for Jane Helen 