I wonder why I leave people speechless after disclosing my past?
Often people just stop talking and withdraw.
Does it become too much?
Is it too discomforting?
It make it hard to make friends when it happens too often. I don’t give up though. I want to be patient with people. There is nothing wrong with me, just a little damaged, but I am much more than just my story and my past with abuse. I am now adult and live with my past as best as I can. I can’t help that my story is hard to bear, but remember it is my bag to carry and live with, you only have to listen to what I say and let it be.
I want my readers to react to my posts and comment on them not leave you speechless.
That is the question. After conversation with my therapist today I just wonder. As we spoke about the abuser. He asked me why I haven’t considered doing that after all the awful things he had done to me. It isn’t in my nature to do that. Even though my abuser had strangled me and then retrieved me again. I know what he is capable of doing. Because of that my body feel fear and discusted by him. I don’t want him near me because my body freeze up by his presence. I am glad he has got a restraint order to stay away from my city while I live here, only allowed through his work twice a month. It only last for a year at the time so I need to apply for a new restraint order in time it runs out.
He threatened to kill me if I ever told anyone, I have told the whole world what he has done on this blog. I should feel safer now that everyone knows, but some fear is still there. Because who does really care? I am a nobody to this world. With a small voice. I am not capable to kill anyone, I wouldn’t be able to do in self defence either, not that I know of anyway.
I hope to move to the USA and be far away from him and also knowing with his sentencing he won’t be able to enter the USA. I would feel safer there.
I feel it when I miss you
It’s in my stomach
It’s in my toes
It’s in my fingers
It’s all over
I feel it when I miss you
A down deep tingle
A down deep longing
A down deep aching
A down deep all over
I feel it when I miss you
Pain in my mind
Pain in my body
Pain in my soul
Pain all over
I feel it when I miss you
Jane Helen 25.10.2017
I have started new treatment with new therapist. It is a male therapist once again. I think we get along well even though only had two appointments so far.
I still struggle with my mind and stressful thoughts like a beautiful mind kinda thoughts. I think I see signs around me and the world try to speak to me. I feel it ridiculous to believe in it, but my mind is damaged, hope able to repair. Most of all change and wipe it out of my thoughts.
He has given me homework to next appointment. Write a list with keywords about what bothers my mind that I feel like talking about.
It is all just inside my mind…
Happy new year to my readers and followers 🙂
Another year gone and another new years have passed by. I soon turn a year older, but as you know I don’t mark that day before in June.
It is snowy outside here. Winter time weather wise.
So what else is up with me you might wonder? Nothing new. I still got MS and still unfit to work. But I wish I could do more with my life than just this.
My days are dull, just count the days passing me by closer to be with my man. It is a wonderful feeling to be in love and have someone to ache for and talk with daily ❤
I want to bring up and talk about abortion and how I think about it.I have gone through one in 2001… Wrote about it in an earlier blog post.
I can’t say it was something good to go through. I have felt sad, but at same time it was a relief not knowing who would had been the father to that child. I found out through the court case back in 2010 who would been the father as I asked for papers from the hospital where I had it. That reassured me I had done the right thing, as it was my abuser who had made me pregnant.
I feel for the unborn child that was taken away, but I don’t regret it. Any woman own her own body and should have the right to decide what to do with it.
The way it seem to be talked about abortion or no abortion. I don’t see it a problem to remove a fetus that is up to 12 weeks, or because of medical reasons after that. Especially to protect women who has experienced rape and abuse, we can’t force or expect them to give birth to a child.
I agree that removing fetus after 23 weeks is murder, except if the health of the baby or mother says otherwise.
It tears me apart the stories about children given birth to children, as young as 11 years. Worst cases they aren’t granted abortions because it is illegal in some countries, and if they remove it they face time in prison.
Abortion needs to be legalized and be the same around the world, part of the human rights.
The future is here it is now. I used to tell myself that the future will be better. The abuse would stopped, he wouldn’t be around me or near me to harm me anymore. He still is out there, but not near me. But because of what he did and know how he used to be I will never know if he can show up again. Where is the guarantee he stays away? Just because he been to prison for a short time doesn’t mean he has change neither the years passing by. I will never trust in that he will stay away with me living in Norway, I have to move away somewhere far away from here.
I can say I survived and itself that is enough to have accomplished in life. Years of torture and abuse and keeping a secret or trying to tell the secret but no one reacted in a way it ended earlier. Not until I went to the police and finally got their attention to get him sentenced. I got believed in and that was my goal. The better future and hopefully an end to the abuse. Being a survivor mean able to talk about it as something that belongs in the past, and people accept it as my story. He did some horrible shocking things to my body and mind, but I survived it. Now I am just trying living my life as best as I can with damages done. Scarred for life, but doing alright.
Read my earlier post Thoughts.
The small daily things that I used to react to with a freeze in my body. White T-shirts like a scary ghost. I couldn’t stand people wearing white T-shirts. That meant everyone, young and old ones. I sat on the bus and several was wearing them and suddenly I thought to myself “Have I finally gotten past this nightmare” ? Seemingly I must have gotten that far now. That is progress in healing a wound that been stuck in my body and mind for decades. Life is getting better, but doesn’t mean that it will be okay ever that he can get close to me again. My body never forgives what he did.
All this other nonsence with this world thing that I have messed up my mind with is slowly letting go too. It is all just something I wish I hadn’t spin my head into. I been dazed and confused as my last therapist called me to have been. Medication helps a lot to get my mind back on the right track.
I am still alive and doing better than some months ago. I have gotten mental help. Mostly help to self help. Only I can change me, but by guidance from people around me my mindset get changed. I turn into a better me. Feel less lost and more aware of the world around me.
I am awaiting getting an apartment now by July. Look forward getting a rest and find my place again in this world.
Big thanks to my friends 😀 ❤
I applied Wednesday evening and by Friday my name was officially changed to Jane Helen 😀 ❤ I didn’t know it would go so fast, but am real happy it went through fast and smooth 😀 So no more hick ups in how to say my name, thanks.