I had more than 13 reasons why, But I am still alive

(Skriver på engelsk så prøv Google translate på denne til Norsk)

I won’t list them all, just a few big reasons…

First of all the person who gave me life and was supose to keep me safe.. I was about 2-3 years old. She opened her arms and told me to come get a hug, next thing smack in my face, then she hugged me and told me she loved me, as in ? That sure didn’t feel like love, more like I hate you… Broke my trust down into zero. I was trapped, had no choice.

When I was 4 I was put in same bathtub as my 6 year older sibling. Then the abuse started and continued for 19 years…

I told the person who gave birth to me what he was doing and my babysitter. I was told not to talk and I was a liar…

When I was 7 my grandfather died, but could had been saved if they only had known how the phone worked calling the docter in time… A few months later I laid in bed and had my first thoughts of killing myself. Way too young to even think like that, but I did. Just to be where my grandfather was, I missed him. … I sometimes think I killed him cause the day before I told him what my sibling was doing and he was going to talk to my father, but think he never got that far…

Inbetween the abuse from him I experienced other people letting me down in many ways. A «friend» tried to drown me at the pool, just laughed it off as funny, but it wasn’t for me. 2 boys did sexually asault me and ended up beating me up at the school ground after school. I walked homeway, looked like a scarecrow cars passed me on the road noone stopped or noticed, I fainted on the farmroad 100 meters from home and when I woke up it was dark and moonlight. I got home and into bed all dirty, bloody and bruised. I think she came saw I was back home, but nothing more, just talked the other day. Ended up with me having to apologize for ? to them ? ….

People saw things, asked, I answered, but they did zero to stop it. Just told him off as it should be enough… It sure wasn’t he didn’t stop!

At my confirmation my father was handeling ordering the food and I overheard him ordering just half of what was meant to be. He wouldn’t listen and so it boiled over in my head I had enough of pople not beliving me. I set myslef to run and jump over a bridge into the sea. .. but at the stairs outside the house I stumbled into the cat and fell down the stairs and the cat attacked me.. I remember laughing, crying and screaming out loud.. I could bearly walk so running wasn’t posible so the bridge never happend..

Raped by a man that later became my husband and I got a beautiful boy with. … But he treathned to kill himself and ran off with the babysiter in the end.. My ex husband and son moved to UK and we got divorced. I fell into the last atempt, tried to cut my wrist buut I am just left with a tiny scar…

I have felt kidnapped by the world. Placed in a kinda crazy world of life…

If I wasn’t so stuborn or even manage to love myself so damn much I guess I wouldn’t be here. I guess I survived because of listenig too much to Country Music and never gave up on my truth and myself.

Most of all I havent fallen into alcohol abuse, becoming a drug addict or become a monster like my story is.

What dosen’t kill you make you stronger…

I owe all the country music singers a BIG endless thank you for singing songs that have kept me up and alive ❤

Also a big thank you to my best friend Garfield ❤

A BIG thank you to my best friend Anna Maria who has been a rock not always knowing my whole story but still sticks by my side ❤

You have to love yourself before you can love another.

The song «I cross my heart» by George Strait has meant a lot to me to help me remind me to keep my heart and love myself despite how evil other people might be towards me.

For those who notice my style wearing hat, boots and buckle belts. I grew up on a farm and country music is a huge part of my life. I feel comfortable and free wearing this kind of style of clothes and hat. I have no horse and I know Texas isn’t here where I live. But the town I live in is as close as western I get in this country. With tractors driving in town streets and barns inbetween the high buildings it’s like the town came to the country side. I feel at home here.

I care a lot about mankind ❤

To anyone considering 13 reasons more or less. Life has a lot to offer even if you might can’t see it. Take a time out for yourself and breathe, take a look around the air the nature is everyones space of freedom and don’t forget to love yourself ❤

About Jane Helen

40 year old and single. Have a 15 yr old son that live in England with his father and family there. Got MS and PTSD.
This entry was posted in All latest posts in English, Alle siste innlegg på Norsk, I media, In The Media: TV, Offentlige saker, Public issues, Ukategorisert and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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