Time heals all the wounds? Nope, but the wounds gets scabs at the top, sometimes the scabs loosens and it bleeds a little in between.. the heavy moments one have to learn to live with. I have come too far to give up on coming back to working life again. No way I will let a pessimistic expert witness tell me that I won’t make it! 😛 You don’t know me, so how could you consider that after only 5 hours conversation? I will show one and another that this I will MANAGE! Because I CAN!!! I won twice in the court, I survived a murder attempt, the cow that wanted to crush me and some weird ways to put my life at stake by mountain climbing and sledge down a 6-9 meters tall 90 degrees hill.. My bum took the hit of the ground, heeh self to blame.. I have been at work before and am going back! Just don’t know when or what to do yet..

… In the meantime right NOW I do have to bite in the sour apple (heeh but I like them green sour apples the best anyway, so THAT sour it isn’t heeh 😉 I will manage it, know it will go well. But I have to listen to my body’s signals that tell to stop, wait a minute, you aren’t well enough.. quite yet.

My progress came quickly and then it crashed again with my studies. More of these crashes I just don’t want to go through right now. Just try use my energy positively where I get to use it where I get to do something constructive not just for me, but also for others. 19th of November must be put off in the calendar already now, for the day will be eventful again. For the children’s sake ❤ They shall not be forgotten ❤

I have managed to begin to look at people, talk with them, even the strangers faces that I don’t know, like my new neighbors and people at the mountains trips 🙂 Yes and even men I greet on :-O What’s the matter with me? :-S I am over going myself.. But I have a lot to thank the men I have had to face alone in the help services 🙂 Without them I would still be shaking like a leaf that shakes behind the rolling pin I still keep in my handbag. (If I ever get to place it on the wall sometime only time will tell. One step at the time).

Then there is this proses to mourn, be sad and manage to overcome the shock it is of all the betrayal.. If I am to reach all the way into the sorrows I have to rid the anger first :-S

The toughest part to overcome is the anger, to master it. A PC screen has already been sacrificed by my fist after a knockout. I followed a priests advice it would help to tear down a tree or two in anger.. Still just as angry, so have to find other methods. Anyone got any advice? Want to tear down a house if anyone has one that need flat packing? Have considered try to crush stone with a hammer.. Can try and see what happens. My anger wall is still high to protect myself, and it stops people getting too close..

But also manage to see my own victory in the middle of all this, yes hello I did win it! Letting go of that there is no fight in getting believed anymore, that fight is fought finished, and it helped a lot to watch the victory to the Handball ladies that won gold medals in the Olympics tonight 🙂 Bunch of congratulations to them all 🙂 … Yeah and I should finally congratulate myself too, because I have also won gold medal, I have taken back my life! But it took me 27 years to win. The handball ladies haven’t spent that amount of time, they won gold 4 years ago too. Anyway they have had a positive development with playing on a team, while I have fought alone against a superior force that seemed impossible to overcome with negativity..

But I must mostly thank myself to have avoided drugs, smoking and any other self-harm. I am more a master in sabotaging myself :-S Looking more pessimistic at things that rather should had been positive.. Should had been a LITTLE less stubborn :-S The stubbornness is damaging for me, stand in my way to see the good things, and I also tend to walk straight ahead instead of take a look around myself..

One step at the time… Still a long road to walk…

About Jane Helen

40 year old and single. Have a 15 yr old son that live in England with his father and family there. Got MS and PTSD.
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