If one get exposed for repeating abuse from one is little, beaten up, treated like a ragdoll. How long would you keep up against it and not do the same thing? Or turn crazy because of it? …

Mommys boxing bag and the abusers ragdoll..

Many of the things I told myself to survive:
“The future will become better” (.. it became the same, until I got to turn him in to the police..). Now the aftermath is knocking me out..
“I am stronger than you”, I told myself. I wouldn’t let myself be affected by it or break down.
– It broke down, but I noticed what was about to happen and stopped it.

My boy was about 2 ½ years old, he has found a wooden spoon in mummys draw in the kitchen. Suddenly I burst into full crying and tears spitting from my eyes. My boy asks “what’s happening”, and gives mummy a hug. There and then I myself don’t understand why, but after a while it comes up what happend in my childhood.. Right now it comes to mind, “what if she dared to hit him too the same way she did to me?” I don’t know as she did look after him without me watching her. Has she and he is telling me, then I don’t know what I will do.. Right now he is in England with his father and far away from Norway and that part of the family. There is one of the reasons why he is with his father in England and not with me, because I have traumas that makes me sit in a chaos of thoughts and have nightmares, and am not present in daily life. I wouldn’t been a good enough caring person for him.. To see one’s own limitations.. For those who thinks that motherhood and a child always has it best with her, that is not always the case.

I myself have once been a child that was badly neglected..
A mother who tells her child “dear sweetheart come here and I give you a hug”, and even worse “I love you”. (Even today I struggle with handling hearing these words being spoken, because my body reacts automatically with defence, when will it slam?). Next moment you lay with bare bum and the pain stings in it.. Even neighbours visiting could do the same, and then the parents sat and laughed at it in the same room :-O The abuse I was told to not tell anyone, she would put an end to it.. Even people from the health services that had a home visit had the trust that a mother would sort it out, but it wasn’t followed up by anyone..

The psychiatrist tells you to forget and move on.. Have they got enough knowledge to understand what abuse does to a human mind? It’s impossible to forget or move on from it without being able to talk about it. THAT I was denied by my psychiatrist I talked to back in 2002-2003. ..

Does it cost too much to ask questions about abuse? Are you frightened for the answer? Is the evil too painful to handle that one don’t want to know about it? … I had to handle it when it happened, but now very few want to know about it.. “You won the court case, move on”.. Do you know what it means to be exposed for abuse for SO many years, without talking about it, people sees it, but don’t want to know, and no one stopped him.. Not even the police wanted to stop him.. (Lillehammer 2002).

So then what is evil? The omission, collectively “no it isn’t happening”, yes it does happen to 50000 children each year, (in Norway alone), roughly 2 in each class :-O I know I am not alone, but society drags the curtain down. Rather watches the evil from far away of hungry children, women that get raped. But that is so distant and so much easier to empathize and understand. But these 50000 children in Norway, who is talking about them? When are we going to take responsibility for them? It talks about the rapes, but abuse of children comes in the background. Why? The silence is the abusers best friend… Aren’t we supposed to be the children best friend? Talk for the children sake and dare to stop abuse ❤

About Jane Helen

40 year old and single. Have a 15 yr old son that live in England with his father and family there. Got MS and PTSD.
This entry was posted in Abuse, All latest posts in English and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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