“I’m sorry but I didn’t mean it”

That he told me sometimes when he left after finished his business.

To read the reports from the court case that just finished did trigger me a lot. It started with the TV pictures in the 22nd of July. The following day I ended up in the ER after having a real though reaction physically at them pictures. They triggered memories from my childhood. At the same time immensely sickening and horrible what he did to them youngsters. Unstoppably cried and shivering in my body, until I almost lost my breath and consciousness. I can hear people talk, but can’t answer, not a sound comes out. I am thinking and trying to speak, but the words won’t come out. The ambulance arrives, I have to walk some stairs down and out to the awaiting ambulance. Fasten with a seatbelt I am sitting up and my hair in all sorts of directions. In the emergency area I am sat to wait in a chair in the middle for everyone arriving to see.. A doctor arrives in the end, I get to talk while he takes necessary tests and checking the oxygen in my blood. He has to see another patient, and without a chance to keep it back I collapses and cries out loud again and shivers. This time I concentrate keeping my breath under control, while the cries gets louder and louder.. Until I then just fall asleep, and the doctor returns and talks with me again.

.. There should had been written something here, but I am unable to write about it right now, it I too intense. The details are too though.

The trial triggered a lot in me from my own trial against my abuser. Similarities in his face looks and things he is saying.. I tried to avoid following everything. The pictures I tried to overlook, they made me feel sick.

The things that came out as it was just like an ordinary day. My abuser explained everything as when he was shopping in the grocery store to pick candy. A rape here and a rape there, at the table, on the chair, in the sink, at the toilet, in the middle of the night etc… Then he also used a stick, a shaped wooden mallet and the things I remember such as hairbrush and screwdriver, no he didn’t remember that..

And when he used to leave he said «I’m sorry I didn’t mean it” :-O Why in his head say something like that? He knew it was wrong, crazy idiot! So I truly feel with those who lost their loved ones, after these empty words from the terrorist. It is just so totally meaningless words, especially when he just goes ahead and repeats it again and again and again anyway..

About Jane Helen

40 year old and single. Have a 15 yr old son that live in England with his father and family there. Got MS and PTSD.
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