Lately I have been reading a lot of Norwegian self-help books about sexual abuse and to better understand my own situation. One of the books is translated from English so I will list it first under.
My own thoughts about this inability I feel myself stuck and paralyzed in for time being.. Not being able to study and almost not living, instead of doing constructional and enjoyable things, something that actually gives me more than these intrusive thoughts about abuse.. When I was little and alone the nature was my savior, something it still is but I can’t enjoy it the same way anymore, because now all the problems start to follow me there too :-S Because the thoughts comes up wherever I am.. But I have found a new thing that helps me numb away the thoughts for a short while anyway. I play farmTown, I have shared some photos from my farm earlier here on my blog and will come with new updates about my farming.
… But the thing is I have to go through some processes as griefing, being angry and learning to let go of things.. It just takes TIME, so bear with me or just stay away while I am working with these things. If you want to try and understand some of what I am going through you can read these books:
– “Beginning to heal” by the authors Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, by the publisher HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., New York
– “Silent no more” by Kate Swift and 75 other contributors, including myself, by the publisher Chipmunkapublishing, UK
If you go to a bookshop and ask for these books they will help you get a copy of them for you if you don’t find them online for yourself.
One of the books I read in Norwegian was very well meant for the helper in the public services so they can learn and understand the complexity of sexual abuse much better than how they do today. They want to push us onwards, yeah sure well meant, but when our bodies and minds don’t quite work consistency then it won’t work to push us ever so well meant words and deeds. But yes you can feel very helpless and completely set aside. You get to feel some of our helplessness when we endured these abuses, but it doesn’t hurt in the same way as it did for us. Perhaps powerless.. Because when you ask us “what can we do to help you then?”, then we barly know it our self. The greatest of all is to get to put the words on what have happened to us. Who, what, where etc.. But the big wall here is, bystanders don’t want to know about it, don’t want to hear the details, don’t want to take on the evil, but the last bit you shouldn’t either. Just listen to the story, perhaps give a hug or just be present in the life of the person that tells the story. You can’t fix what have happened either, nothing can do that.. We just want to live with our truth in a livable way. That people can accept that as a truth and it actually happens such evil acts with children. At the same time it is unacceptable that it happens our truth shall not be denied, because we have a right to live with the truth no matter how evil it has been.
The abuse have costed most of my life as Janne Helen. These survival mechanisms that had to step in so I could manage as well as I have to date. These have been part of ruining my grownup life, because it followed me as a grown up too.. Putting boundaries, my no, extreme situations I been set in etc. Now it also affect my son and I don’t know how long time I have to use on my process of healing, but it has to take the time it takes. Some of these mechanisms are directly devastating as they don’t quite now the right from wrong and it is the part of understanding the difference that is the hardest :-S
None of us that have endured abuse have the same problems, just similarities, the stories are not the same, and abuse can happen in all kind of ways :-O Someone has had it much worse than me that I believe for sure, but what I did experience was extreme, yes it was. You will get to know more about my story with time when I write about it here on my blog, I am just having a short break before I want to share more here on my blog…
To learn to understand oneself as the one it was, and the one it has become because of everything, must be an important reflection to carry with one while one is processing.
Way too many children expereince this nightmare evey year!!!
Be part of stopping it, by talking about it and spread awareness ❤