Monday I went to the neighbor town for MS medicines again. On the bus ride I tried to get some sleep, but some thoughts had to run in my mind and now and then I had a look out the window in an awaken moment. A lady dropped her card just in the time the bus stopped and she had a struggle in picking it up again, a little stressed. The bus moved on and the thoughts came to my mind about a bus ride way back in time..

As a youth I was going to take the bus and join a meeting a 0 min bus ride away from where I lived. It included a change of bus too. Just in time the bus came around the bend I dropped the coins I had in my hand into the gravels and I stood by a building 4-5 meters away from the road where the bus was to stop. I was sweating and tried to hurry like the lady did, but she had a another passenger going on the bus too so she made it.. but when I had picked the coins back up the bus just drove past :-O So I had to wait an hour for the next bus. Lucky, because normally there doesn’t depart that many buses in the countryside. I placed the coins in my pocket until the bus had stopped next time.

Later that evening I got a harsh speech from my dad! I should had gone back home so he didn’t had to pick me up in the evening instead. I lost only 30 min of the meeting, and I would had waited just as long before it started anyway. Home didn’t tempt me much, yeah because my abuser was there.. I was going to be together with other youths, where we sang and had a social blast, something I didn’t do at home.

The small triggers that brings you back in time and gets you thinking, I did something to protect myself. That was wrong too..

Before this story came to mind I also had some good thoughts and the feeling of the Janne Helen I used to be before the rape and the abortion.. The MSN group and life that was good for a short while ❤ I managed to live and learn, but tomorrow suddenly stopped the day I got raped… Life I never get back, at least not as it was back then. I liked that Janne Helen ❤ Boho, I miss myself 😦

I also finished a good book on the return bus ride home from the hospital and a short drop in at the center against incest and sexual abuse. There were written so much good in a humor way in that book. At same time very serious story about abuse.. It had many thoughts that could describe a lot of what I am experiencing, telepathy and another man that sends good vibrations without wanting to acknowledge these in the real life… She had been abused too in her childhood too, perhaps that can have something to do with it? …