Things happens fast…

Yes, I wonder the same myself. Not quite following the bends when everything happens? … :-S

Many might think I wasn’t very smart going out with my story like I have done. It all happened a little fast, and the media came along after I had written to the biggest parties at the parliament. Luckily have the TV channels kept away. National newspaper and radio channels have been more than enough, perhaps a little too much. I just wanted to get rid of my abuser once and for all.. But he only got lousy 2 years anyway :-O …

… I have to admit I already now don’t look forward to him getting out in society again. The forces in me want to fight all they can to avoid him getting let free again. Or my thoughts of actually just bring my baking pole and dang he flat myself, (it will end up with me being put in prison even longer than him..), but hello what am I supposed to do THEN! He tortured me for 19 yrs pluss and got only 2 years for it! … The other thoughts I have got running in my mind is to seek asylum in a country that forbids former convicts access to their country.. Heeh, yeah but then I have to get granted residency permit with PTSD and MS in my own luggage, and I just can look faaar after that too.. I doubt that a restraint order will help against this man. He didn’t quit abusing me after I was grown! … I am tired and worn out because of all this shit! It isn’t just for me to put it behind me… I have to live with it 24/7. And NO I won’t just marry to hide behind a man for safety sake, sorry but I have tried one time too many.

All the years I have worked hard to keep everything on distance, but there is a limit in how long one can keep everything on distance, or “believe” in ones’ head that can keep it away from oneself :-S But on distance I can see, that it all has been there to brainwash me from seeing reality of what he was doing to me.. But to all those people I tried to tell it to and didn’t believe in me, have been part of that brainwashing too… They were part in keeping what he was doing as being normal to me..

Many of fellow abused and many around my area of Norway has found a lot of help in me going out with my story.. It has costed me a lot of strength. I at least hope they have got it better than before, and not worse ❤ Abuse is not easy to relate to for anyone.

I think a lot more people could be a little more understanding, but it is hard when they haven’t experienced this themselves, that can I understand… The emptiness that is left after everything, is tremendous, but also hurting. Don’t tag me as broken, and don’t expect that what I struggle with will show on the outside, because it doesn’t.. but I am a damaged human because of what others have done me wrong.

I have it 10 times better without the family. Without having to pretend that everything is allright every day, without having to hide anything or accept what they did. Farm and property is more worth than a human life in their eyes.. As far as I know they still live there… They didn’t lose it, but they have lost me. And I have lost everything that was of a childhood, and grownup life all up to age of 32.. Because it is firstly now I start to feel life, and really to live it. I should be happy to have survived it and actually gets to experience it.. There is so many, way too many that never gets to experience that ❤

Don’t try fix me, let me heal with time and let me be me the way I am because of everything ❤

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Dette innlegget ble publisert i All latest posts in English, Janne Helen's life. Bokmerk permalenken.

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