One summer, a new life and the time that passes by…

Summer of 1999 I traveled to England to meet a man I had chatted with on the net. At that time it was IRC and MIRC. I wasn’t exactly interested in using such chat programs, but since the whole class was going to try it out I came along too. It was someone who annoyed me with sending me lots of empty chat boxes. He nagged me about asl??? I thought “what does that mean”? I just removed them. Ingnored him to begin with. But he didn’t give up so I just thought I had to chat with him, and asked someone what the meaning of asl was and it was as easy as: age, sex and location. The chat went on from there…

I didn’t think I would sit and write about him again after all these years. But something happened that summer… Because of the abuse in my childhood (this he didn’t get to know anything about, because I wasn’t talking about it to anyone..), I had shut out everything that was called feelings. He awoke something in my heart, and I had problems to understand and control what happened. Suddenly I started to write lots of poetry about love, something I only had a relation to through the TV screen and not a real human being..

A whole new world opened up for me after that summer. Internet and chatting with new people through chat programs like IRC,MIRC,ICQ and msn groups. I created my group after a while too, first it was Trulte, then Trultes World and in the end Around The World Friend. I actually stay in touch with some of them still today, I met my summer man, my ex and some of my childhood friends that were members of the group.

Time that passes by through the years, and the experience of meeting men through the net. … The first one sits deepest inside me and someone I never will get over ❤ Start to feel like I become a annoying person or I am annoying myself with thinking of him and writing messages on his blog… Castleton as I have written about up to the left here, is a place where we were together and I want to go back and visit. Perhaps I get to move on easier and let my heart to let go of the only safest thing I ever had, and have been a part in keeping me alive and survive as long as I have. Life should be lived too and not only a fight to just survive.

As I have written the communication stopped between us after a while.. I have a phone, postal address and an address where I lived at which he left unused.. We got engaged or I sent a text message to him and he asked me to call him back and asked him out loud and got “YES” as answer ❤ 😀 This was one month after I got back to Norway. Things happened inbetween, but that is private, people that know me knows some, but not all. Onwards in the autumn we had little contact. I even went back to England and letters returned etc.. Stopped talking on the phone too. I placed a picture of him after a while on the net, without asking for permission until afterwards.. If that was the reason we stopped communicating I don’t know.. (The “I don’t know” was his favorite expression too..).
Or it could had been my emotions that exploded too in anger/frustration for several reasons, but mostly he touched too close too fast. And most likely he wasn’t at all interrested in me, but didn’t had the guts to tell me about it, and only he knows that.

I also met another man one spring, he was english too, but lived in Oslo. It became lots of chatting in English of course, even though he was good in Norwegian it was easiest to speak English. (It has to be something with the Englishmen 😉 )… I was in in the capitol and met a friend and I went to see the man that had managed to break his leg and was in plaster… (Ironically I had met another guy in my teens that lived in Germany and had broken his leg in 3 places and in plaster too, he got a “nurse” friend while he staied in hospital that took care of him after that..). The englishman had taken notice there where something wrong with me.. It ended there…

Then there were other internet romances.. That only staied on the net. Seriousness behind romances on the net.. no I have lost faith in them. So if you want to try m, move to my town and ask med out, heeh, I will probably tell you about my summer man so is it worth it? … My ex tried for 6 years to convince me he was the right one for me, I took the engagement ring off my finger and told him “I don’t have any feelings for you” then the suicide threats came.. One desperate action that resulted in it has anyway, divorce, but with a son extra. Both we love very much ❤

… Then it was the ex.. The rape, the psychiatrist talk about it was normal to be raped and the police only asked or my name and number and wrote it on a small pieces of paper and told me they would call me back.. ??? Very serious! … They asked what it was about and I responded “Sexual abuse”..

The ex got to know about my fiancé, still yet did he do what he did, place himself on top of me that night and… I froze just like I used to do when my abuser came in the night. I didn’t wanted this, but because of my abuser leaving blue marks and was being hard handed, I didn’t wanted anymore of that. I just lay there so he could finish. Inside of me I just wanted to scream out loud! … But as usual there came no sound, just pretending to survive…

Through talks with a psychiatrist it ended up with me continuing a relationship with the rapist. She didn’t wanted to listen to me when I told her I had been raped, and that I had a normal sexual relationship to the man I was together with that summer. My experience was made up to be something it wasn’t and I feel brainwashed to believed it to be something else.. Now I can see it differently and know better. Trauma treatment and processing of everything does it so one can see it all in perspective and discover the truth around things that have been.

It didn’t help to become squeezed between two murderers. One that had murdered me once before, but revived you, but also threats of doing it again hang above me. The other one threatened to kill himself … :-S

The last drop was the spring/ summer of 2007 when he started hanging around the babysitter. I had set my mind to divorce him years ago, but his threats and form the other abuser held a hard hold around my neck. I didn’t get from the spot until I got ill myself and had to run tests at hospital, and at the same time flashbacks and old memories of abuse came to my mind. I had to talk about it with someone. I traveled to Bergen and to some of my friends and opened up the pus…

It became a little extra that my summer man had asked me to add him to FB, but I didn’t have any account at that point, no plans to make one either because of the msn group I had. But decided to delete it, activity was dropping and it took a lot of my time that I didn’t have to spare.. So instead I got a FB account and everything crashed inside of me emotionally it went bang again, all on cloud nine and I couldn’t quite control it, but I had to stay grounded. Barely.. I ended up traveling over to England and started trying to find phone number and address, went to a wrong address. Called his phone number and suddenly he didn’t remember me anymore.. ??? All I wanted was to see him again, but I didn’t even meet him. But it became divorce reason in the divorce papers, so one good thing came out of it. Thank you for the help ❤ Out of the claws of my murderers and one is in prison, the other one.. The police agrees it wasn’t rape? … I was there, they weren’t and they can’t explain away the reactions my body and mind has to what happened.

… Today I can’t get the summer man out of my mind or heart.. So if you are reading this, you will know more why of things, maybe. Not that it will change anything. I just want to meet YOU again. If you are married and have your own family, then it is wonderful you have got on with life. I am not out after stealing husbands. Just want to meet you ONE more time. … Now I feel like a real stalker who can’t stop annoying someone, but where should I place my feelings and myself then… It was me who proposed ❤ So that must be reason why it has grown so stuck, I will grow old with a man I won’t get to see again… We been together for at least 13 years until now… I have lost count of the times I been in England to try meet him again.. The stubbornness in me won’t let go, the same stubbornness that have kept me alive for as long as this. So I suppose I better not let that go or it will go very wrong with me. (Not his fault, all mine, I just can’t help it, perhaps in treatment I learn how to control this and live without him, but not replace him)… I have lived too long to learn that your heart have only 1 spot for the lifelong love ❤

With Valentines’ day right around the corner will this blog post fit in right.

Wishing you a Happy Valentines’ Day filled with lots of love ❤

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Dette innlegget ble publisert i Janne Helen's life, All latest posts in English og merket med . Bokmerk permalenken.

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  1. Tilbaketråkk: The Proposal | Space for Janne Helen

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