Triggers

That is what I should set as name on my blog, because a lot of what I write about triggers YOU as a reader. It becomes too scary and frightening perhaps? Or it reminds you about your own trauma that makes you uncomfortable, then I have to apologize. But I write my blog in my own way and not to please the reader, but to be myself and not anyone else. You might want to change me, but it won’t be the way I am writing.

With the right of expression and my right to be me, I continue to write my blog MY way 😛 If you choose to quit reading my blog then I won’t cry, neither will you miss anything either would I think 🙂 But with some billion potential readers then 30 isn’t too bad I would say, that is my average followers of the blog per day and thanks for that 🙂

… Back to triggers. A subject i wanted to write about for quite a while, but haven’t found space or time for it until now. Since last week I was heavily triggered and wasn’t able to concentrate and studies was impossible.

It is everything from laughter, watch TV, a person that looks like my abuser or just drinking a cup of tea or a small word, and poof! Gone and paralyzed!

– Laughter that triggers. They sat and laughed at a scene in the Movie «The Generals Daughter”, the person that gave birth to me and my abuser. How could they do THAT? Was it something to LAUGH at? Where has humanity gone? It was absolutely nothing to laugh at! … Laughter triggers me too easy, someone at far distance and everything locks up inside me. Or as last week someone in the hallway where I study at was being amused for some reason just chatting and laughing normaly, but my head just sets things together wrongly because of what someone else have done..

– TV that triggers. Yes it was the TV the movie came out of and made me avoid having TV in my household. But for Christmas and having my son around I just had to get one for his sake. Mommy is meant to be normal and he shouldn’t suffer because of my abuser, but in many ways he still does anyway.. I am trying to limit the sufferings as much as possible so it won’t strike out on him.. I am trying to follow once a week on Fridays the criminal series that shows then, something I grew up doing. Other than that I can’t handle watching anything else than a DVD now and then. Not even the news. If anything similar as like of 22.7 I will avoid to watch it. I got sick of watching them, not want to end up in the ER again because of triggers from pictures… But I am not alone about this, so I would think more people can relate to TV as a trigger.

– A person that looks like the abuser.. That is the most sickening and hardest thing to adjust to, not only does it affect me, but also the poor innocent person that looks like him.. But when that is said there is nothing poor in ABB, yes he looks like him and everytime the media shows pictures of him I get triggered. Not just because of my abuser, but also because of the pictures from Utøya. But again there is many people around Norway that gets triggered and rather see the media use the back of his head or other pictures to illustrate who they talk about.. But to those few I meet on the street and don’t know me or know about my abuser looks like, it can be quite strange see me walk 10 meters around them or just turn and walk back form where I came from, or in fact also showed some dirty looks at them.. Probably wondering what they done wrong, but they haven’t done anything wrong than looking like my abuser..

– A cup of tea as trigger. Yes strange, but very possible. It isn’t that I got burnt by the tea that makes me triggered by hot liquids like you might want to think. It is either the taste or consistence of the tea that way too much has reminded me about the yucky water so I have had to run to the sink or the toilet, and the reactions I get afterwards I will describe more as follows..

What happens when I get triggered? … My body gets paralyzed, the thoughts start to spin in fear, back to everytime the abuser get a hold of you and forces his way. Then the thoughts automatically rips, “what do I have to do now”, “I am not safe”, “I don’t want this”, “what happens now”.. The escape occurs, but where should I run? Nothing is safe! Can’t trust anyone! «I can’t escape he is holding me down”. Nowadays when I get triggered I freeze with the same panic, but there is no one there that holds me down physically, it is only my thoughts that get held down and I can’t do anything about it.. Sometimes my body reacts too, with paralysis or tremors or recklessness that I can’t quite control myself. I hope I get a chanse to work on this in therapy sessions and manage to break free from the triggers.

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