In 2001 October the 6th in the night…
First I like to tell the story up to this. I started chatting through an MSN group in the springtime that year with him. (Might chatted on ICQ before that, but I lost count on how many internet people was chatting to me around this time, and everyone used a nickname in them days). 9/11 happend that year, and my abuser from my childhood had been over there when it happend.. He came back and abused me a couple of times and one of them times one of the condoms bursted..
Then after the attacs people did send roses round to eachother and one came from england all of a sudden, my first thought was my fiance back from 1999 had thought of me.. but nope it wasn’t him. And short after one of my friends (at that time – lost contact today), wanted to go to London and wondered if I wanted to come along with her and some other friends. So I desided to go and also took a visit to see him over a a day-night visit as a friend.
… Little did I know what he would do to me that night.. He was told I was engaged to someone else. Dumbed to think people know how to respect another person, I let him sleep on the other side of the bed. And during that night he pushed himself ontop of me, and I froze inisde and just laied there like I always did when my abuser from my childhood used to do the same thing during the night.. He didnt withdraw he jsut fullfilled his act just like my abuser used to do.. The only diferent thing was he didnt apologize like the abuser used to do.. So he didn’t know he had done something wrong to me then all acked inside me of what happend, but I covered up like I always did with the abuser.. Another thing was the rapist didn’t use a condom like my abuser used to do…
Back in Norway I continued my studies and on a class trip I was sick for a while and didn’t think more about it.. I later found out my period ran late and had a test that turned out positive :-O … Then seeing docters and getting an apointment to get it removed as I wasnt ready or able to be a mother at that time..
December that year I went to hospital alone.. Not knowing who was the father and still dont really know, but looking the dates and the paper on the weeks and of the size of the fetus it has to be the abuser..
In the following year I told a lot of people about the abuse and I started seeing a psyciatrist.. And she managed to conclude that the rape wasnt “rape” at all :-O But my normal reaction to intimacy??? … How could she conclude with that when I felt I have had a much more normal relationship to my fiance back in 1999? .. Today I know so much better, my body reacts to freeze with even the thought of that night. He did do something I didnt wanted to happen. I dodnt think he ever will understand how wrong he did to me. I have told him he has raped me, but he dont want to face the truth of what he did to me.
.. She managed to get me to continue a relationship to my rapist :-O … Thearpists can be very dangerous people if they are being trusted to know right from wrong, when they clearly dont. Now my son is paying a prize of being without his mother because I wasnt offered the help to put the abuse from my childhood behind me propperly, or being respected as a human that I had been raped..