Abuse and the body that feels

LilleVinkel has inspired me to write about this on my own blog. Thanks for the inspiration ❤

I have been thinking about this and trying to figure out, remember and ask myself, how did it feel like? Painful, oh yes, especially the use of them things he abused me with. Hairbrush and screwdriver, which he denies, but how come I remember and can see it infront of me? … The blood on the handle and the blade? I still feel pain in my area, because of him and the use of these things. I have just today been for another examination because of it… The ones I could do without… Hiding my face in my hands, working hard to relax enough so the docter can be able to do the examination…

But all the other times use of fingers, anal penetrating and vaginal. I think my body felt it, but I din't feel for it, at one point I managed to shut all feelings out… I just refused to feel for it as I didn't want to feel it! Sometimes I still wish he had just killed me so I didn't have to go through all this… Most of all that stupid cow that had to rise up again, I WAS dead! GRRR!!! I still remember that hammering knocking pain in my head from having my life flash in rewiew infront of me… That weight of that cow and not being able to breath, THAT was painful… The abuse, was plain torture in comparrison, because then I was unable to feel, I was shut off… But he still yet did that to me! Again and again, AND again… And again… Sometimes more than once a day… Like a ragdoll…

To begin and feel again isn't easy… I have troubles to feel for things, now that I also have the MS it is very frustrating to notice that I actually can't feel the difference on cold or hot, dry or wet and not even how heavy or light things are :-S …

I don't like touches, don't know how it suposed to feel like. A hug feels nice, but closer touches I know very little about… I haven't been with a man yet after I have got propper help, not sure if I dare to… Keep them miles off me!… Think for myself I will be terrified the touches, and scared to death of new abuse… I rather live on a deserted place and feel safe alone than together with someone of the oposite sex. I would sure give him a real cat fight if he liked to try! I got spikes like a hedgehog 😛 At least I can feel that…

About Jane Helen

40 year old and single. Have a 15 yr old son that live in England with his father and family there. Got MS and PTSD.
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