My normal life

As long as I can remember I have blocked out the world around me. Many that have been abused has been disosiating. That might be a forign word for you so I can try and explain. It is a kind of flight in your mind to be able to survive living. Not taking in the sences and noticing your suroundings. Now that I have started talking about the abuse I am discovering a whole new world around me and it terrifies me! :-O Being able to see people and notice their faces, taking in what is happening. Afraid they behave like them, beating me, abusing me and attacing me… That have caused me to carry a baking pole in my handbag to be able to protect myself in case of attac or at least try that way, and keep my hand on my mobile phone. I don’t know most of the poeple on the street, and I overlook the ones I know without noticing because I am still very disosiated in my thoughts. It will take time to come out of the world in my mind…

Giant caramel, well wrapped (my baking pole in disguize).

The most scary part is starting to feel, anger, sadness, happiness, etc.. And it overloads, either I laugh too loud, cry too hard or almost yell at anyone that annoys me just the smallest… They all might think I lost the plot, if I could manage to keep these feelings under control… I am like hedgehoge, all spikes out.

It is a though life, but AT least I manage to be myself wearing the clothes I want to wear, walking around with my cowboyhat, try and do the things I enjoy the most, walks in the nature, listen to country music, make good food and be around friends I trust. … My problems I try keep for myself, but it changed to I talk a lot about the abuse and what bothers me. I understand it is though on my listeners and I hope they can bear with me… I have a court case coming up that holds me back a lot…

I wish I could work and do live a normal life besides all this… One day… I am damaged for a while and working on the healing that will take me some time. I know you want me to move on, but sadly I am human and I don’t work like a robot. I can’t skip the healing bit…

I am working my way forward MY way and what I feel ready to do. Just next thing is me joining a computer course through the social services and that will give me a chanse for a better future job. And I can live normal 9 to 3, for 3 weeks.

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