Many thoughts buzzing around the abuse… Such as, Why am I still alive? Why haven’t I given up? What made me survive? ” A better future” …

I did start the fight as a 4-5 year old when he was harrasing me in the bathtub. Touching me, a real menace and a torturer, that my parents allowed to continue! … Betrayal…

I didn’t like it, neither did I want him to do it. He did manipulate his way to get what he wanted by creating fear and angsiety within me. I did curl together inside while he was doing it, while my body was relaxed otherwise. He wasn’t allowed to touch the inside of me. Somehow I blocked him out from there. The future would become better.

… I did try to tell people and get help. I told the wrong people! … Because they didn’t do anything about it.

Now someone could try make up for the wrong by believeing in my story to be true, and the court can judge him thereafter!

My friends from my childhood and my teens didn’t know about my secret, until I got separated in 2007 and later divorced. Then everything was brought out in the open. A huge shock and it wasn’t strange they didn’t quite understood the seriousness with this mather. I hope they have learned something about the human beeing from me. I did hide it, but there where signs, and many have commented now later they where wondering, but didn’t dare to say anything about it. It could had caused it to stopped at an earlier point. So if anyone are in doubt, dare to see it, dare to care and dare to stop it! It took way too long time for me, and it was myself that had to dare to put an end to it.

I have experienced many other sick things in my life, like the abuse wasn’t enough! … Close to death, should had been dead!

The zoombie state became more real to me, because I was almost dead or maybe I was? The cow that landed upon me. Life that was knocking like a rewinded movie in my head, couldn’t had dreamed that, and the pains of billions of needles of the blood being pumped around my body, when she stood back upon her feet again. Dizzy and bruised for quite a while afterwards, maybe some broken ribs.

I’m still alive, strongly shocked and badly traumatized. Life moves on one day at a time ❤ The future can still become better ❤

About Jane Helen

40 year old and single. Have a 15 yr old son that live in England with his father and family there. Got MS and PTSD.
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1 Response to Thoughts…

  1. Pingback: The Future – I Survived | Space for Jane Helen

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