There is chaos in my mind.. Everything at once! … Trying to sort the thoughts out, but it all ends up in a mess… Memories with flasbacks and all I want is to take a time out from everything. No thoughts no flasbacks no pains… A holiday can’t fix it becuase my mind comes with me whereever I go anyway. The fact I have been on the run from everything too long and it haunts me to pieces… I cut the main problem out of my life, my “family”, – siblings and parents. My youngest brother is still in touch with me. I am still struggeling to trust… And my own little “family” smouldered apart, it wouldn’t worked in the long run anway, and who would been the looser? … The innocesnt little boy… I still miss him lots, and I still hope to spend more time with him and be his mother as best as I can with time… I have problems he don’t understand and I have to keep him out of it, even though I am adviced to try explain him somehow what is wrong. As long as he don’t ask I don’t have to explain, he shouldn’t worry about me, it is me to worry about him.

My back has started fail me again… It began last week, down at my lower back. Aches and tires me out. Getting worse and worse. Had to take painkiller to be able to join the group today and everyone that knows me know I have to be in real agony to take painrelief. I wonder if I get any sleep tonight? … I’m very grateful for any advice to cure it, thank you. A walk a day should help me, just have to do it is another challenge…